Identity

When I look back, I can't believe how time has completely slipped by. One of my friends today said "What have we been doing for 11 weeks!?" So here I am. Year 2010, 23rd day in June... and in just 8 short short days I will be on a plane for Southern India. What the heck? Is it really here? and really... where did the time go?

I remember applying for Reef to Outback in Australia, and getting accepted... and the Lord changing my plans. I had no idea what He had in store for me, I was disappointed... but all around me people kept saying "God has something a lot better for you than that! Don't give up!" and I was encouraged with those words each time. Hawaii came up - PhotogenX came up - I bought my plane ticket, and now 7 months later everything is, again, about to change... and my heart is, again, about to be transformed. We are always changing, but the beauty is that I am in love with a constant friend, and consistent lover, and a faithful God - and I am so thankful for that.

If someone were to ask me everything I learned, it would take years for me to even figure it out. I know that seeds have been planted in my heart that will forever be blooming as I allow the Lord to water them throughout my journey. My heart has been transformed. It has hurt, and it has been a beautiful process... and I have no doubts that it will only intensify during my 3 month stay in India - and I cannot wait for the process to continue! I found myself saying this yesterday to my dear sister here, Britany; "It's the place where I have had the most frustration, the most breaking down about, the most temptation to just give up... but it's been the place of most beauty and break through." And I cannot say that with more truth...

I came to YWAM one because I didn't want to go to college, and I really was seeking adventure, and just something MORE. The Lord brought me to PhotogenX because I had a desire for photography, and a desire for justice... and this DTS was a mixture of the two. Through out these past 3 months - my passion for photography has gone away, and I say that with complete joy, haha. Let me just share a little bit of my heart on this though.

People ask you who you are... and immediately you start off by saying what you do, "Oh I'm an accountant", "I'm a photographer", "I'm a journalist", "I'm a worship leader", "I'm a stay at home mom", "I'm a manager at Starbucks" and so on and so forth. Those are not who you are. That is what you do. God loves us for who we ARE... thankfully He does not love us for what we DO... If He did love us for what we did, His love would most likely be conditional because what we do is always changing. But who we are, what our core being is, will never change. I take pictures, I play guitar, I write poetry.. and those are really awesome things that the Lord has placed inside of me... but who I am... I, Elizabeth Anne Stein, am a daughter of the King... am a lover of Zion... am a friend of Jesus. That is my identity - and everything else comes out of that.

So coming to YWAM, I knew that I did photography and all of that... and I would answer who I was by what I did. And I knew that I was supposedly a daughter of the King. But what I really desired was the fruit of that. If I truly am a daughter, and find complete identity in that... shouldn't I desire to spend time with my daddy? Shouldn't I want to sit at His feet and pour out my life on Him? Shouldn't I thirst and hunger for His presence? Shouldn't I see and hear and walk in a life style of dedication and worship, not out of having to, but just out of desire to please Him? Shouldn't I be living out of approval, not for approval? Well I wasn't seeing this. Sure, other people might have seen a little bit of that in my life, but my HEART didn't feel it... and I was dying to know it for MYSELF, not just because other people could see it.

Monday was the hardest day I had experienced since coming here. Everything felt dead. My heart, my passion, my vision, my drive, my love, my desires... Everything in me wanted to give up and go home. I was exhausted, in every sense. So, while at work duty, needing something to rescue me... I get a text from Britany and she invites me on an adventure. Remember I was in a funk, and wanted to say no just because I wanted to be alone and blah blah blah. But I knew there was something more than just getting off campus - so I went. We got on the back of her moped and she took me to the top of the mountain, and we watched the sunset over the ocean on a blanket from India, over a piece of land. It was bliss. "It's funny how silence has a sound" she said... and it was such a beautiful peaceful sound. My heart breathed for the first time in over a week - it was so pure... I took a deep breath, and tears streamed down my face. "What's going on Lord? Why do I feel so aimless and empty? 3 months of discipleship and I feel nothing... I don't understand. I don't feel you. I don't see you. I know you are there, where am I?" The questions and statements just kept flooding... Britany was there, listening and being the best friend I could have in that moment... and she helped me walk through a process of understanding what I was feeling, and really understanding what God was showing me and bringing me into over these past 3 months. I came to YWAM to learn more about photography, I came to fight injustices in the world, I came to build friendships... and all of that was taking place, but the importance of it fell to the side... and my heart began to thirst for intimacy, I began to hunger for the presence of God, I began to desire HIM in my life more than anything else - even to the point of sacrificing people in my life that I loved dearly. I was beginning to see the fruits of a daughter who found her identity in her Daddy. I was made for intimacy. Nothing less. And when I begin to feel empty, it's because I'm not living out of intimacy with Jesus. I was getting so frustrated being here. I felt like I had all of these things in my heart that the Lord loved, and nobody understood them. This is why Britany and I connected so well, because she understood... because Jesus put those same things in her heart as well... Light attracts Light. The intimacy of the Father in my heart, and the intimacy of the Father in her heart grabbed on to each other... and like a breath of fresh air we both breathed in deeply the blessing.

On the top of that hill watching the sun go down so slowly and beautifully... I was filled with Hope. I realized that God did not bring me here for Photography, or to fight Injustices, or to make Friendships... all though those are wonderful things. Instead He brought me here to get me out of the chaos & mundane of my normal life, to steal me away because He desired for me to be HIS and only His for this season. He brought me here for my heart to fall in love with Him, and to never be the same because of it. Monday night I realized and saw first hand, that even when things around us don't really show the growth... if we just set our eyes on Jesus, let HIM be our vision, and for our desire to be intimate with the Father... Everything we ever desire will be fulfilled in that. He hears our prayers, He knows our hearts... He molded them Himself.
He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree. Bending beneath the weight of His wind and Mercy. All of the sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me. How he loves us.
These lyrics by John Mark have never been so intense in my heart.

So, if some one where to ask me the main thing that I discovered during my lecture phase... I would have an answer. And it would go a little bit like this...

I discovered that I was not made for earthly things, but for Kingdom Come. I have discovered that inside of my heart has been placed things far beyond what I myself can comprehend. I have discovered what beauty truly is... what love REALLY looks like... who I thirst and hunger for... and what my heart was made for. I have discovered that my one true desire is to be intimate with Jesus. To write of His love, to sing of my love, to pour out everything I have as an offering to Him. I was designed to live a life of worship, to walk in the fullness of what He has, to live a life in the presence of God, to live a life of purity. I have discovered that a lot of the time, the world will not understand me - and that is okay... Because, because of Christ I have the ability to wake up a generation, to start a fire that will spread through all of the earth, to awaken hearts that are dying to be alive and free once again, to bring back TRUE and FIRST love... not what the world has to offer. I carry the love of Jesus, and when the reality of that is being lived in someones life - people cannot help but see it and burn for it. I have discovered that God has created me to be a warrior... He has created for me to be a lover... He has created for me to be a Daughter of HIM - first and foremost. I have discovered that life is SO much less complicated than we make it out to be, and that if we would just submit our hearts to Him every morning and really CHOOSE life and CHOOSE love, we will be able to live out of that... instead of out of our own strength.

I have discovered life.

The night of hanging out with Britany ended in getting a poetry journal, 3 books, a NKJV Bible, amazing smelling hemp shampoo, a film camera for outreach, a super duper comfy gray hoodie with the perfume of Mary of Bethany on it, and a refreshing bucket of Love from Jesus through a sister.
Sometimes we just have to keep going. And when we choose to keep truckin' along, the Lord is faithful. Sometimes it isn't as instant as this... but sometimes it is. The timing inst important, it's just our hearts.
I've realized that, like I said before in this post... we are always changing. Our hearts are in a continual process of being restored, renewed, transformed and molded. It's a tiring journey for sure, but also a ridiculously exciting one if we let it be. AND... God is constant, consistent, loving, faithful, and so gentle when we need it, and also a little rough when we need it. He's all I need, and He's really all I want.

"O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the secret places of the cliff,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely."
- Song of Solomon 2:14
This is my prayer. This is my desire. To be hidden in the clefts of the rock.
To be completely transparent with Jesus and overwhelmed each day with
a deeper intimacy than the day before. He is such a strong and faithful God!

So with all of that said... India- Watch out! I'll be there shortly ;)