Raw Rambling Emotions

What an interesting weekend. I am happy to say that it is over and we are back in Dharmapuri. After being in chennai, I feel like I got a glimpse of how others feel without Jesus in a way. Driving through the streets and in the villages, it was so incredible hectic... so much confusion... a spirit of chaos was all over that city and it was really really heavy. i don't think i've been in that heavy of a city in a very long time. I felt so lost, like I did not belong there. I felt like at any moment I was going to break. I felt like I had no hope, and even though the truth that I would be out of it very soon was still true, I did not feel it. I want to explode with frustration. I think this is so much of my generation. Just the lost feeling - the confusion - the frustration - the hope for hope, but not real hope. I don't like that so many people live like that. It honestly makes my heart hurt to think about that being the life for most of the world. We have strength in the Lord because when we are weak we realize that is all we have to hold on to, and because He is our Joy... but what about the rest of the world? What are they holding onto? What are they hoping in? Where does their joy lie... if there is any. You know the feeling you get when someone dies? It aching in your spirit? The loss you feel in your heart? It's something that words cannot explain - especially when it's someone who didn't know Jesus. And you wonder if at the last minute they came to know Him. You wonder if they are with Jesus, or if they continued in their pride & confusion & lack of hope & faith - and went on to be in Hell forever. That feeling is one of utter despair. I somehow feel that is what Jesus feels when we turn our hearts off to the calling of His spirit, and on to the ways of the world. I do not want to be one to turn away from that. I want to always be in a state of being able to clearly hear my Papa talk to me, to always be open to where His spirit is leading. I do not want to cause my Father pain, but only Joy in everything I do. It saddens me that so much of the world breaks their only TRUE Fathers heart - the one who came just to be with them, who came to set them free, who came to give them salvation and an eternity of Kingdom living... And they are rejecting every invitation that He literally died to give them. My heart for the lost continues to grow in compassion... to grow in a longing for them to know Christ, to know intimacy, to know LOVE... not love as the world has created it with sex, one night stands, and ungodly cohabitation, not love with sin.... Not love as an object, and not love that starts tangibly... But LOVE... Love the person that creates something tangible, Love the Creator - The Creator of Love. The one who IS joy, the one who desires to overflow them with Joy. The one who wipes away all confusion, who fulfills longings, who offers an invitation of kingdom living, who creates an atmosphere of belonging and speaks life with every breath, who heals hearts & restores minds, who is LIFE & LOVE Himself. The task seems impossible. How do I let the world know of this Love? How do I go and show the world of life the way they all desire for it to be? How do I offer a Hope in Jesus to these hopeless children? I want to make a difference. I don't want to sit back any longer and just watch life pass by when there are people who are literally killing themselves because the pain is too much to handle, because the word hope is nothing except something everybody else has but they dont, because life is not worth living, because there is no one true god, because nobody cares about them. I do not one to be a "christian" who contributes in the lifestyle of sitting on their butts only for their own pleasure and not changing the world and showing that there IS a hope, showing that there IS someone who cares, showing that they ARE worth it and their pain can be turned into JOY! I want to contribute in bringing Children back in to the arms of their Father. I want to bring people home. I want to speak life with every breath, I want to walk in love with every step, I want to change the status quo Christian - I want to intimate Jesus in everything I do. God teach me how. I am nothing without you, my desires are far beyond what I could ever complete. But you have places them there, therefor you have a plan to fulfill them. Your promises are yes & Amen - Lord I believe in You. I believe there to be more than this. I believe that your desires for the lost are far more than my earthly body could physically handle. Give me your heart Father. Show me your ways. Make me sensative to the things you break about. Tell me why you break for them, Lord give me Wisdom & Revelation... Give me Godly knowledge. Teach me how to Love. Teach me Love Abba. I desire Love. To love & be loved.